My thoughts

I really wanted to take the time and say thank you to my wonderful husband.  He has been my rock through so many different things.

When I lost my sister in November 2009, I didn't think I could continue life.  I was in such a deep depression that I crawled into a shell.  I didn't want to leave the house, and I wanted nothing to do with anyone and I felt so alone.  I, for the life of me, couldn't understand why she was gone.  She was so young and had 3 wonderful babies that needed her.  Shortly after she passed away, I was diagnosed as being bipolar and severly depressed. (which would explain my crazy mood swings)  It was something really hard to hear because my sister was also bipolar and essentially, that is what took her life.  I couldn't help but wonder if I was going to follow in her footsteps.  I was put on bipolar and depression medicine and started seeing a councelor.  I was so scared.  I didn't know what to expect and what to do to not let the bipolar take over my life.  I only took the bipolar medication for 1 month because I didn't like the way that it made me feel and not to mention that is cost over $300 a month...after insurance.  I am still on my depression medication, but I don't take it on a regular basis, just when I need it.  Which lately, that has been quite frequently.  My husband has been so strong through all of this.  He could have easily left when times got tough, and when I went into one of my many raging mood swings.  But instead he stood by me and helped me through them.  I can not thank him enough.  He has been my saving grace, and I don't know where I would be without him.  I don't know if the tables were turned, that I could be as strong as he is.

Dustin--You are such an amazing person and I am so thankful that I have you in my life and that you are my husband.  There are not too many good men left in this world, and I am so lucky that I have one of them.  I don't know what I would do without you. I know that I am hard to live with some times, and I am truly sorry for that, but always remember that I love you more than anything and I would do anything for you.  You are so good at just biting your tongue when I am in one of my rages, even though you have every right in the world to say what you want to say.  I know that it is not easy living with me, but I am trying my hardest.  There is nothing in this world that we cannot make it through.  I know that going through this fertility journey has been just as hard for you as it has been for me.  And I know that at times I make it seem like I am the only one going through it and that you have no idea what I am feeling or going through.  We both deal with it in different ways, and that doesn't make my way any better than yours and vice versa.  I think you will make an amazing father and I can't wait to give you that opportunity.  I love you baby!!

 My advice to all of you reading this, is if you have something or someone good in your life, hold onto it/them tight and don't let it/them go.  Don't ever take for granite what you have because one day it may be gone.  Live each day like it's your last because you never know when it is going to be.  Hold on to your loved ones tight and tell them that you love them every day.  Because when they are gone, you can never get the time back.  Think about what you say or do before you say or do it, because once it has been said or done, you can't take it back.  I would give anything if I could just have one more chance to tell my sister how much I love her and if I could take back everything bad thing that I said to her, I would in a heartbeat.  When she was here, I didn't understand what she was going through, but now I do and I wish I could have been there for her to turn to when times got tough.  Living with bipolar is not easy, and if you don't have it, you most likely don't understand that.

Lastly, HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY TO MY DADDY!!!  I love you dad!!!

Until next time....

Shawna