Highs and Lows

Yesterday I was on cloud 9, I thought I could concour the world, and then I woke up this morning and it was the complete opposite.  I feel like I am all alone in this world.  I am so down in the dumps and nothing I do seems to help.  I don't know if it is the lack of my bipolar meds, or the fact that I haven't taken any of my depression medicine since I started taking the Provera or if it's because I am off the Provera now.  I am so lost.  I have never had this happen to me when I have finished the Provera in the past, so I don't think it's that.  I am so anxious and nervous at the same time going into this IUI round.  At times I am so excited, and at other times I feel like it's not going to work and I am getting excited for nothing.  I have had so many negative outcomes in the past, that I think I am just too scared to get my hopes up again.  I fel like if I don't get my hopes up, then I am not really expecting anything, so when the result is negative, it won't hurt as bad...but that is so not true.  It hurts more and more every time that the IUI doesn't work, that I don't know how I am going to move on....but I always seem to get past it.  Every IUI cycle, we say tht this is going to be it, and we really get our hearts and minds involved and then we are just devistated in the end.  I want this to work so bad, but I don't want to get hurt again. 

I am really starting to have a heard time dealing with the fact that my cousin is going to have her baby in less than a week.  I try to be so strong whenever anyone in my family is pregnant, but it is getting harder and harder to do.  I have been waiting for this for so long, and each new baby that comes into our family just reminds me that much more of what I don't have.  Every baby makes me want my baby just that much more.  I have decided that I am not going to be at the hospital when she has her, because I don't think I can handle it.  I will go up to the hospital after I get off work.  I want her to be able to enjoy her little miracle and not be worried about how I am holding up...that is not fair to her.  I hope that my entire family will understand why I am not going to be there.  I know that if I am there when she is born, I may not be able to hold back my tears....and I need to be able to control myself when I see her for the first time. 

We had my cousins baby shower last Saturday, and I did pretty good throughout the entire day....but once everybody left, and I was at home by myself, I was not so strong.  I just sat there and cried and cried and cried.  I kept asking why not me, why can't I have a baby?  I so badly want to be the one that is opening up gifts for my baby.  I want people to be gathering to celebrate the coming up birth of my little miracle.  I want to be thinking about what I am going to bring him/her home in.  I want to be thinking about what to put in the diaper bag to take to the hospital.  I want to be the one going through everything that I have and making a list of the things that I still need to get.  I want to be wondering if today is the day that our miracle will decide to makes his/her debut into the world.  I am being selfish now, I know, but I want that all for me.

Until next time.....

Shawna